Simulation

When I was younger, I used to imagine that my life was a simulation--not the real thing. Whenever I looked around, I imagined that it was all a big movie production and I was on a set, and everyone around me was paid to appear there, and everything was a prop. I constantly tried to find evidence of this--every time I visited some new place, I quickly looked around the backs of buildings, checking whether "they" have had enough time to build a whole building just for me, or else just left the fronts of the buildings finished, propped up from behind by wooden planks. The fact that I never did see any prop buildings didn't really console me; it just increased my wonder at how complete and "big-budget" this production was.

Other times I imagined that my life was a video game, an ultra-realistic simulation of what life would be like as a nine-year-old living in a suburb in Metro Manila. But that was not as extensive as another storyline--that I was really not human. That I was really a cybernetic being that was planted into the Philippines by a shadowy security agency called the Network, whose aim it was to foil diabolical attempts to take over the world. I had continuous neural contact with an operator named "Rick", and a secretary named "Wanda", who orchestrated excuses whenever I was going to be missing for a mission. Now being missing from school for a mission--that was something I never was actually able to orchestrate myself. But that would've been fun, too. ^_^

I don't know what led to that thought process. I have no idea why I thought that my life imitated art. Looking back now, I think that by keeping to myself instead of playing at the playground with my friends, I became somewhat detached from reality... nevertheless aware of it, but feeling as if I was not a participant in it. It gave me a different kind of grounding than what my friends really did... and I think it's another reason that I'm still alone at this time.

That's not too bad, though; in fact it's shiawright. Understanding why you are a certain way goes a long way towards deciding whether a change would be either good or bad.

Thanks for reading.

Song in my head: Styx, "Mr. Roboto".

P.S. I just found out that at one point in time, Bobby Flay's girlfriend was Stephanie March. Yeah, one of the past ADAs from Law and Order. We can all hope for a comparable station in life. ^_^ Oh, well.