Half-machine

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know... these dispatches are getting sparser. But I'm still here.

To tell the truth, I am not as focused as I would like to be. In fact, I am certain that I was much more focused as a junior in high school than I am now. I think I have relaxed too much, and I don't know how to spring back up.

It just feels as if I am unable to do anything at all, that any actions I am taking in order to further myself and those around me (chores at home, schoolwork--rather the lack thereof, my health, etc.) are being forced upon me. I came upon the conclusion that I've more or less felt like this for almost as long as I can remember anymore. A few minutes ago, when I realized this, I was very puzzled, but now it's like I do not know the correct way to react to that revelation.

What puzzles me further is the fact that I have so many open side-projects, many of them languishing just short of being completed. Can it really be called creativity if the creations are not complete?

So here I am. Still waiting for input, I guess.

Song in my head: Lil' Wayne, "A Milli".

Finish

Perhaps I have been too stubborn in insisting that time will march on no matter what I do.

Song in my head: Justin Timberlake, "Like I Love You".

It's quiet... too quiet.

Today what woke me up was the "Gimme Gimme" ringtone I had in my phone (which, as I am reflecting on it now, I was quite fortunate to set to "ring" last night). Had the phone stayed "silent" that time, I would have missed work. And of course, that would have been disastrous.

Now, this was not what I was planning on writing about, but the more I reflect on that simple action of setting my cell phone to "ring" last night, the more amazed I was about the "butterfly effect" I am observing wround it. Had I not been awakened by that phone call, I would certainly have come late to work, which would have been completely my fault. I would have been censured... heck, I think that once word had got to my boss of such a thing happening I would have been fired on the spot. I wouldn't be writing on the blog today; instead I would have answered a few emails a bit more enthusiastically, and I would have gone to sleep worried about where I would get one more semester's worth of tuition from.

But the action that prevented all that--my setting my phone to "ring"--was comparably insignificant. It was very much an afterthought. I mean, when I went to bed last night I knew I had to be at work at a certain time, but I was confident that I would wake up on time. Now that I reflect upon it, I did not have a conscious reason to set my phone to "ring". I was thinking to myself, "Hey, wouldn't it be cool to hear someone text me in the morning?"

It leads me to an observation: small actions can have big effects. Now, this is something you (and most certainly I) already know, but never before has it been demonstrated for me with such force.

So pay attention. Is that the lesson here?

Thanks for reading.

Song in my head: Jim Brickman, "Destiny".

P.S. Actually, the title refers to an observation my coworker made about the Plantation. It is very quiet here. In fact, the point was driven home for me this morning as well. I woke up to the cell phone ringtone, and when I got off the phone, realizing that I had to leave the house now, without any hesitation, I realized how quiet it was.

There was nothing to be heard other than my thoughts.

Silence is a double-edged sword.