Seventeen syllables, No. 61

Your facemask balloons
As you laugh—I forget the
Metal in my mouth.

Seventeen syllables, No. 21

Do you remember
The movie? The characters
Spoke Filipino.

Simulation

When I was younger, I used to imagine that my life was a simulation--not the real thing. Whenever I looked around, I imagined that it was all a big movie production and I was on a set, and everyone around me was paid to appear there, and everything was a prop. I constantly tried to find evidence of this--every time I visited some new place, I quickly looked around the backs of buildings, checking whether "they" have had enough time to build a whole building just for me, or else just left the fronts of the buildings finished, propped up from behind by wooden planks. The fact that I never did see any prop buildings didn't really console me; it just increased my wonder at how complete and "big-budget" this production was.

Other times I imagined that my life was a video game, an ultra-realistic simulation of what life would be like as a nine-year-old living in a suburb in Metro Manila. But that was not as extensive as another storyline--that I was really not human. That I was really a cybernetic being that was planted into the Philippines by a shadowy security agency called the Network, whose aim it was to foil diabolical attempts to take over the world. I had continuous neural contact with an operator named "Rick", and a secretary named "Wanda", who orchestrated excuses whenever I was going to be missing for a mission. Now being missing from school for a mission--that was something I never was actually able to orchestrate myself. But that would've been fun, too. ^_^

I don't know what led to that thought process. I have no idea why I thought that my life imitated art. Looking back now, I think that by keeping to myself instead of playing at the playground with my friends, I became somewhat detached from reality... nevertheless aware of it, but feeling as if I was not a participant in it. It gave me a different kind of grounding than what my friends really did... and I think it's another reason that I'm still alone at this time.

That's not too bad, though; in fact it's shiawright. Understanding why you are a certain way goes a long way towards deciding whether a change would be either good or bad.

Thanks for reading.

Song in my head: Styx, "Mr. Roboto".

P.S. I just found out that at one point in time, Bobby Flay's girlfriend was Stephanie March. Yeah, one of the past ADAs from Law and Order. We can all hope for a comparable station in life. ^_^ Oh, well.